Happy New Year!

I sit here on the eve of a new year.

2013 is almost over. It has been 12 months of ups and downs, things that went the way I hoped and things that didn't, blessings and hurdles that I had to overcome.

It is a time to look back on all of things that God allowed me to experience and to set goals for the upcoming year.

In the past I have made resolutions, promises to myself- some of them went fairly well, some of them were forgotten within weeks, and some of them proved to be a larger issue than I cared to deal with at that particular time.

This year I am keeping things fairly simple:

1. Try to lose those pounds that I have managed to put BACK ON since I lost it a few years ago.

I am not specifying a particular number. I think it is more of a personal comfort level. When my pants stop feeling so snug, I will know that I have reached my goal. I am not sure yet what I will do in order to shed those pounds, but my vow to myself is that I will keep on trying until I find SOMETHING that works for me.

2. Attempt to reclaim a sense of balance to my life.

 

In recent months I have found myself overwhelmed with the lack of personal time. I am finding myself doing more and more things that are related to my job: grading papers, attending meetings, writing lesson plans, researching units.... you name it and I have done.... often on the weekends or evenings when I could be spending time with my family. It has been literally MONTHS since I have enjoyed scrapbooking. That has always been my personal form of therapy. Whenever work or life got too overwhelming, I could escape to my little craft room and enjoy an hour or so with paper, glue, and photos. Allowing those creative energies to flow somehow also allowed the pent up anxiety and stress to escape my body. Without that, the stress has somehow managed to stay inside me.... creating a feeling of total imbalance.

I really want to work to find a good balance between work related duties and life. I want to enjoy my time with family and friends and I also want to have time for myself.

3. Share more of myself with others.

I have always been one of those people who enjoyed doing the "little things" to brighten the day for others. At Christmas this year I spent lots of time making handcrafted gifts for those around me. Each one was carefully planned and prepared with the recipient in mind. When I hear someone say they need something or they would like something, if I have the capability to help provide that thing, I try to step forward to fill the gap.

This year, I would like to extend that giving beyond my own little circle. I want to seek out ways that I can use the talents that God has given me to help make the lives of others a bit better. I already have a couple of projects in mind and I am anxious to get started. I know that these things won't be earth shattering in size and scope, but I also know that they will help meet a need for someone somewhere. I also know that by giving of myself, I will become a happier person. H. Jackson Brown said, "The happiest people are not those getting more, but those giving more." I think that is true.

 

 

Those are my goals for 2014- In 12 months, I will sit down and examine the year. Hopefully, I will be able to speak of the successes that I have had with these efforts. Between now and then, I will try to keep you updated on my progress.

Happy Birthday to ME!

Yesterday it happened....... after a year of reality checks, contemplating, and dreading........ I turned

I don't really feel fifty. My own mother said, "How old are you?" and when I told her she said, "No, you can't be."

I once heard a quote from Mark Twain who said, "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." I have decided that it really doesn't matter how old I am. I intend to live life to its fullest, as long as I am able.

My daughter and I were talking this morning about hair color. I was joking that I turned fifty yesterday and this morning the grey hairs started peeking through my hair color. She said that I should just, "live with it" and allow my hair to turn grey. I don't think so. I'm not ready for that.... I think I will keep coloring it, for now. I know that there will come a time when there is too much grey to cover, and when that time comes, I will have to learn to live with it.

I know that my bones will begin to ache, my energy level will begin to decline, and my ability to do things that I want to will be diminished, but for now.....

50 is just a number......

Happy Birthday to ME!

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_age.html#qQSqmth2Dl0Ohkk6.99

Back to Work

Well, here it is...... Monday morning, after a 5 day break from teaching.

I have enjoyed every minute of the time that I have had. I did not grade one paper, write one lesson plan, or hear from one disappointed student or angry parent.

Instead, the last five days have been spent just lying on the couch watching television, reading an e-book on my Kindle, cooking with family, talking with family, eating with family, and shopping with family.  It has really been FANTASTIC!

I wish I could be as happy about returning to work as those little dwarfs were in the Disney movie.....

Dopey always seemed to have a smile on his face.... even when they headed out to a busy day with their picks to dig in the mines. I may not have Grumpy's permanent scowl this morning, but I just can't bring myself to sing, "It's back to school I go."

I really don't think that my family understands. On Saturday, my daughter and I decided to tackle a few of the after Thanksgiving sales. While traveling from store to store in the car we talked about what to get for this person or that person and the conversation eventually rolled around to me. "I don't know what to get you," she said, "and don't say TIME. You say that every year." My response was, "That's because THAT is really what I want."

She can't really understand what it is like to be at work from 7 until 5 on an almost daily basis and then carry a bag full of papers home when I do leave the building. Sunday afternoons are usually spent writing lesson plans for the coming week, and, on the occasional day off, it is becoming more and more common to be asked to come in for some type of professional meeting.

Don't get me wrong..... I am very thankful to have a job that brings home a substantial paycheck on a regular basis. BUT..... I wish that job wasn't such a full time job. This is year 29 for me, and, over the years, I have seen things change. I always took home papers to grade. I always had a lesson plan rolling around in my head. I always met students and parents out in "the real world". In recent years, however, the demands on my personal time have increased. New computer programs that we are expected to learn and utilize, new trainings that we must attend, and new curriculum that we must educate ourselves about. Add to that the internet and its increased presence in education and our daily lives, and it's all enough to make me want to just flip the pause button so I can have a few minutes to breathe.

I keep telling myself that I will master the ability to have time for both my job and myself..... but I haven't figured it out quite yet....

Thank You Lord!

I don't say it often enough, but Thank You, Lord!

Thank you for the wonderful family that you have given me. Thank you for a husband who so often places the needs of others before his own. Thank you for two healthy children who are able to run, play, think, and learn.  Thank you for loving parents who took me to church and made sure that I learned about you when I was young. We may not have much time together because of work and responsibilities, but the time that we do have is wonderful!

Thank you for a home with a roof over my head; so many people in this world don't have that anymore. The electrical breakers may flip, the heater may not always light, and the carpet may be old and stained, but it is OUR house and we can come home to it each night.

Thank you for a steady job; in today's economy there are many who don't have one. I may work long hours and bring home lots of paperwork. I may get stressed because of new programs and duties. I may get frustrated by students who don't seem to appreciate the education I am trying to provide for them...... but at the end of each month, there is a steady paycheck waiting for me.

Thank you for good Christian friends. They listen to me, comfort me, and support me.

Thank you Lord, for the trials that you place before me. They make me stronger and build my faith.

Thank you for the times that I stumble. It is at those times when you reach out a loving hand to pick me up and remind me that you are there WHENEVER I need you.

Thank you Lord, for everything that you have provided for me for so many years. My life has been so richly blessed.

#I Am Not

See those two smiling faces in the picture above? That's my daughter and me, after a race earlier this year. Just looking at the picture it probably appears that we are close and always have been- but pictures can be deceiving.

Kari is my second child. With her brother, Keenan, mothering just seemed to come naturally. He was more subdued, more calm, and more manageable. Our house was peaceful and I felt like I had everything under control. Then Kari was born.

 Kari has always been the more independent of the two: wanting to do things on her own, not wanting help from others, and wanting to make her own decisions. The teenage "attitude" hit early with her. (My husband and I joked that she was 10 going on 18.) I would say something to her, even calmly,  and she would tell me to stop talking so mean to her. The attitude seemed to show itself more frequently with me than it did with her father. Several times I can remember him saying, "I just wish you two could get along."

There were many tears shed and many prayers said. There were times when I just wanted to throw my hands into the air and say, "Lord, I can't go through this anymore." At times, I found myself sitting around the house with my mouth clamped tight, for fear that I would say the wrong thing and it would all explode. I really doubted my abilities as a mother.

But.... I didn't give up.

I kept on keeping on: praying for guidance from God, reading every blog out there, talking to other moms, and loving my child.

Finally, this past summer, things changed. Kari spent five weeks away from home at the Governor's Scholars Program. I missed her. She missed us. She matured. I learned to allow her to grow.

Since then, it hasn't been all peaches and cream, but it has definitely improved. Kari and I can actually talk now, but I usually let her approach me first. There are still times when Kari gets upset, but I just back away and let her calm down. If she needs me, she comes back.

Kari has also developed a much more active religious life. She is reading her Bible daily, attending Bible groups at church, and is the first one to chastise my husband and I if we miss too many activities at church ourselves.

It has taken a long time................ but with that time and God's help, I can honestly say that I am NOT a bad mother. Those doubts that flooded my mind for so many years have been washed away. It required patience, prayer, and practice............... but I now have peace with the fact that I am NOT a failure when it comes to being a mother.

Who I Am

This week I have been thinking a lot about who I am.........................

All of those little identities that the world has given me or that I have given myself.

I think back to high school and I remember that shy little girl, the one who lived out in the country but had to travel to town to attend the only high school. That girl studied and worked hard to get every grade that she got, but was often made fun of by her classmates. As a teenager she never got asked out on dates, wasn't invited to the prom, and never really felt like she belonged in the group of students with whom she was placed by the school system. That girl is still right there inside me. She has never attended any of her high school reunions because she was never really sure that she would be accepted or welcomed.

That girl grew up and went to college, determined to show everyone that she really was smart; she really did deserve the accolades and honors that were given to her. She graduated college as the top female education student and then she headed off to HER first classroom of students. That first year was rough. Kentucky had instituted a new teacher intern program which required a visiting college professor to observe each teacher and offer critiques of their lesson planning and instruction. Though the young teacher felt like she was doing a good job, that professor never seemed to have a good thing to say about the teaching that was going on. The teacher felt good about it, the principal said that she was doing a fine job, but the professor always seemed to find things that needed to be "fixed". Even after 29 years of teaching, that struggling young teacher is still right here beside me. She shows up every time I get observed and every time that my school institutes a new program. That young teacher is always wondering, "Am I doing a good job? Why can't I reach them? What am I doing wrong?"

There has been uncertainty and doubt throughout my life: the new wife, the young mother who had very little experience with babies, the mother of a teenage girl with all of the emotional upheavals that go along with puberty. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist- struggling to be the perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect teacher...... Of course, I always fell short.

This uncertainty and self doubt has sometimes even permeated my spiritual life. I sometimes find myself asking, "Why would God use little old me? I am just a plain old country girl- I have no great stories to tell. I have no great skills that God can use." It is then that God gives me the boost of confidence that I need.

God tells me, in John 1:12,

¹² Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—

I do believe. I have given my life to him, I AM a child of God and that is the GREATEST identity that I can have. 

As for my doubt about the quality of myself and my abilities, the Bible says, in Ephesians 2:10,

¹⁰ For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

When I read this verse, I am reminded of a t-shirt I once saw that read, "God don't make no junk." I have to keep telling myself that God did make me, he has shaped me and molded me, with a job in mind. Even with my little quirks and doubts, THAT is who I am: God's work, his product, perfectly shaped by him. He accepts me, just as I am. Perhaps now, I need to work at doing the same.

Unexpected Blessings

God always seems to know when we need that little pick-me-up, and he always seems to provide.

It has been a very long week, full of a regular week of school plus meetings, after school obligations, and other obligations added after that. There were times when I found myself wondering if I would make it through the week in one piece. My husband has been sick, my students have been rambunctious, and I have been getting more and more tired.—– But God provided me with the energy to finish and get it all done.

God always seems to do that.  God provided an opportunity for me to adjust my schedule on Thursday so that I had enough time and energy in reserve to support my daughter and participate in the 5K that she had helped sponsor. On Friday morning, just as my body was running low and I was noticing that my energy was gone, I somehow found the ability to smile and joke, just enough to boost my energy and make it through the day. Last night, God came through again.

My husband, daughter, and I headed to the annual festival that is held here in our town. We were just going to cruise the streets, say hello to old friends, allow my daughter to pick up a gift for her boyfriend, and head home. Money is tight this year, and I wanted to save some because I am travelling to see my son at his college today.

As I passed the local bank booth, I heard them saying something about giving away $100; I walked up to the tent, filled out a ticket, and even jokingly had my daughter tap it for good luck before handing it over to the lady working the table. We strolled on down the street and continued to talk with old friends when my cell phone rang.

 I didn’t recognize the number. My husband said, "Call it and see who it is," but I hesitated. Just then a voicemail came through. When I played it, I learned that God had blessed ME with the $100. This within 10 minutes of the time I had entered! When I went to pick up the money the lady at the table said, "What about that? You were just here, but we shook it up REALLY good."

Because of the blessing my son and I will enjoy a good meal today. I will reserve a crisp $10 bill for the offering plate and will thank God once again for the unexpected blessing as I place it there tomorrow.