FINALLY!

As promised last weekend, I decided to just make some time to do something I wanted.... scrapbooking of course!

I selected a photo that I really liked that had a good back story and worked a little at a time: selecting papers one day, beginning the design one day, and then continuing the work a little bit more each day until finally- this morning I finished it.

Now, this isn't my greatest layout ever, but it has an even greater significance for me. It helped me to realize that it is not HOW much scrapbooking I get done or even how "professional" the pages end up. What matters is the fact that I get to use my creativity and just DO SOMETHING! Selecting each piece of paper, brad, stamp, and element relaxes me and helps me forget about the stress and strain of paperwork. Of course, it is still there.... but for just a few minutes I am able to push it to the back of my mind and just have FUN!

This definitely won't be the last page for me. I may not get one done every week, but I will definitely make more time for this hobby that I love!

The Plank in my Eye

Today at church the sermon really hit home with me. The minister was speaking about how we sometimes are so busy looking at others and their problems that we overlook things that we need to work on. He also discussed how God could not bless us unless we prayed and studied the Word. His biblical reference was from Luke chapter 6: ⁴¹ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴² How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

As I listened to him I kept thinking of myself, lecturing my students about setting priorities in their own lives in order to make time for schoolwork. The thought came to me that I could not be a good example to them if I did not make priorities in my own life for what was important: family and self.

I really think that God may have been telling me that I need to step in and do something of my own to take care of this situation. Life itself isn't going to step in and say, "Take a break. Do it for yourself." It is really up to me to make it a priority. I truly think that if I do, then maybe my outlook on life in general will improve.

I have set a goal to begin a scrapbook page at some point this week (and hopefully finish it). I have also set a goal to sit down each night with my daughter and just talk..... maybe not about school, but just about what is on her mind.

Check back later in the week to see if that "Plank" is disappearing my eye.

Lost in a Sea.....

There are times when I feel as though I am just drifting through life, lost in a sea of events with no real control over them. I get tossed about by the waves that are created : some of them tumultuous and storm driven, some of them calming.

I don't remember when the feeling started; I can't point at one thing and say, "That is when I gave up control." I wish I could. Then I might be able to figure out how to go back and reclaim it. Instead I keep drifting- another meeting that someone says I must attend, another task that is required of my job, another day with little or no rest.

There are some people who say that it will change- WHEN I retire. If I knew that would make the difference I might actually consider it, but I am not convinced. I think that I have been SO busy for the past several decades- being a wife, being a mother, being a teacher- that I may have just forgotten how to be the essential ME.How do I relearn that? Is it even possible? Until I find the answer, I suppose that I will stay here, drifting and allowing the waves of life to carry me.

Will I Ever Figure This Out?

We have reached midterm- that halfway point at which Keenan gets to come home for a "fall break", Kari gets her 1st quarter grades from her first dual credit classes, and I get to post grades for my own students. I face this period of time with mixed feelings.

I am THRILLED that Keenan is getting to come home for a few days. It seems like forever since I got to spend much time with him. He hasn't been here since Labor Day weekend, and that seems like AGES ago. I am pleased that Kari has faced her classes with great effort, but I am nervous about how she will feel when she sees her grades. I have seen the stress and frustration that she has been under and I know how hard she has worked; I think she does too, but I am still worried that she will be disappointed.

And then..... there is work. I had hoped that, by this time, I would have made some headway in the "making my own time" department. I mean, I keep having people advise me that this is the time in my life when I should be rediscovering hobbies and setting aside time to enjoy my own interests. Yesterday at work, I got one of those emails that companies send out to us teachers, advising us how we can be a better teacher. At least half of the list talked about taking time to relax and making time to enjoy things that I want to do, not things that I have to do.

I keep hoping that things will settle down in my professional life so that I can actually have "ME" time. Then I find myself with another stack of papers to grade or a new week of lesson plans that need to be written. I am having a lot of difficulty putting things off or just letting things go...... I don't know if I will ever master that skill. Will I ever figure out the recipe of being a good teacher without allowing it to dominate my entire life? Will it really take retirement in order to find the free time that I can spend on something like scrapbooking, that I want to do just for me and for my family? Is it possible in this day and age to be a good teacher, a wife, a mother, AND still have time for myself?

The Working Class

I had an interesting conversation today at school. One of my students came up to me prior to the first bell and said, "I'm so embarrassed. My mom is working here at school today." Within only a few seconds, I responded, "Don't ever be embarrassed that you have a parent who is willing to work."

To understand the passion with which I uttered those words, you must first understand the geographic area where I live and work. Owsley County, where I teach, is usually found somewhere near the top of the list of poorest counties in the United States. A bit of research helped me locate the median household income based on the 2010 census: $18,125.

True, part of the reason for this low income status is that we do not have much industry or business within a several county radius. The nearest Wal-Mart, oftentimes used as a reference point for how much commerce is available, is one county over, and that one isn't even one of the Super Wal-Marts. There is no McDonald's to hire students after school or parents through the week and if you want to get a prescription filled, you go to a locally owned pharmacy because there is no Walgreens or Rite Aid.

There are adults who would work, if jobs were available, but there has been a progressively growing number of people who have become dependent upon the government for assistance. This laid-back attitude has been filtering down into the generation of students who fill the seats in my classroom. Any discussion regarding future plans, future education, or careers garners at least a handful of responses like these: "I'm not going to finish high school.", "I'm going to drop out.", and most startling to me, "I'm just going to go home and draw a check."

It is because of this handful of students and their apparent lack of appreciation for a good work ethic that I responded as I did. I think that the young man was probably more embarrassed by his mom's presence at school than he was by the fact that she was working. This student understands that his parent is doing whatever she can to work at every opportunity that presents itself. I just wish that I knew how to help some of those OTHER students who have no vision of working, of earning a living, of the self satisfaction that a paycheck, no matter what size, can bring.

It IS All Worth It

I must admit that there are days in my life as a middle school teacher when I find myself wondering, "Is it really worth it? Are all of the hours spent planning activities that students complain about and all of the time spent grading papers that get a cursory glance and then get thrown into the trashcan really worth the stress, headaches, and personal toil?"

THEN.......

I have those little minutes that make this job worthwhile.

A student shyly slips a handwritten note onto my desk as she walks from the room. As I glance at the paper between classes I see the words, "Best teacher" written in a wobbly, hurried script.

Another student asks if I am helping to chaperone a field trip. When he finds that I'm not because I have to stay at school for a training, I hear him mumble, "Why won't they let the teacher we REALLY like go with us?"

A parent runs into me and stops to take a few minutes to check on the progress of their child before telling me what a difference I have made for that child.

Lest you think I am bragging........... allow me to assure you that these moments are few and far between. It is because of this that I treasure each one of them. I try to somehow take that wonderfully warm glowing feeling that bubbles up inside me and store it away inside some hidden crevice in my spirit so that I can reach in and help it be reborn when I find myself feeling discouraged.

The last few weeks have been filled with just such discouraging times, but thankfully, I have also experienced those little warm bubbles of happiness that only my students can bring. Each little comment, note, or card is like an injection of encouragement that reminds me one more time why I chose this career in the first place.

What's Wrong With this Picture?

As I have struggled to face this period in my life, with my son away at college and me at home preparing for an empty nest, one of the best pieces of advice I have received is to find a hobby to spend time on. There is only one problem---- I am not getting any spare time to devote to a hobby! I am speaking literally- I don't know if it just my chosen career in education that is creating this problem, but I am finding that more and more of MY time is becoming JOB time.

I am one of those teachers who truly wants to teach. I got into this career to make a difference. I will devote whatever time I need to in order to really do my best to meet the needs of my students. The problem is that there is now so much paperwork that I find myself working all of the time. I am up early in the morning and out my front door usually at 7 AM at the latest. When I get to school I sign in and head straight to my room to begin entering grades, preparing flipcharts, and printing supplemental readings. When my planning rolls around, I try to grade a few papers and enter a few more grades, that is, if I am not in a meeting. In the afternoon when the voice on the intercom says, "All students are dismissed," my students run for the door while I reach for more papers or attend another meeting. I don't think that I have left school before 5 PM on any day this school year and most of them have found me exiting the building at 6 PM. When I get home there is the typical routine: cook, do dishes, squeeze in some time for laundry, and try to help my daughter with some of her work. Bedtime is getting earlier and earlier, simply because I am so tired.

One of my fellow teachers asked me the other day, "So what were the good old days like?" (This is the point where I should tell you that I am the teacher in our building with the largest number of years of experience.) This forced me to compare the two time periods: back then and now. I remember grading a lot of student work back then; I actually probably do less of that now because the student work has gotten more in depth, with more final projects and writing pieces rather than skills worksheets. What I don't remember are all of the extra meetings or teacher paperwork. We had our faculty meeting as needed and we had the professional development sessions, of course, but we didn't have all of the add-on trainings. I think that some of that can be blamed on the extra programming that has been added on through the years. Every time we begin a new program there is a new training. As far as paperwork goes, I remember having a red gradebook and the green "Bird Book" where we kept attendance. We didn't have the several assessment tracking sheets, the pacing guides, and other forms.

You would think that technology and computerization would make all of this paperwork easier, but it hasn't. I find myself spending more time in front of a computer screen: typing parent newsletters, answering emails from students or parents, creating lesson plans, entering grades into the online gradebook, and analyzing student data. Just when I think I have learned a program and I can maneuver it, someone decides to update and I find myself learning something all over again.

I am sure that things will smooth out at some point....... I will get myself organized, I will learn to let some things go, or I will just have to stop and take a breath. I can only hope that the day I am speaking of comes VERY SOON!